Semper Memor
by slyfoxlady
Summary: AU. Suzaku wanted to hate Lelouch. Lelouch wanted to hate Suzaku. But hating someone took too much effort. Now love, love was effortless. SuzakuxLelouch
1. Stage 1

**A/N**: I'm rating this T for now, but that's subject to change in later chapters. Some characters might be OOC a little, and it is an AU story, but I'll try my best to keep them as in-character as possible! Though they do have their own roles to play for this story.

Of course I thought of this story while watching an amazing Code Geass AMV called "Always" by La Mei. :D

**Warnin**g: This fic will have quite a bit of humor and fun, but it is more of a dark story centered around relationships, fear, and letting go.

**Summary**: Suzaku wanted to hate Lelouch. He was perfect in every way he was not. But hating someone took too much effort. Now love, love was effortless.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Code Geass.

* * *

_Am I the reason you breath_e,

_or am I the reason you cry_?

_Always, always, always..._

**Semper Memor**

Stage 1

Suzaku clenched his teeth together and dug his head deeper into his arms, hoping that would be enough to block out the incessant sound of the _click_, _click _next to him.

But it was to no avail.

Going to class on three hours of sleep probably wasn't his best decision. Going out the night before didn't make his case look any better, but his roommate- Gino Weinberg- didn't believe in a weekend without booze and partying. He had no intention of going out, but his roommate wasn't one to take no for an answer.

He sighed as the night played over and over again in his head.

God, was his head pounding.

The _click_, _click_ continued, despite Suzaku's constant sighs to hint to the guy sitting next to him to stop.

He turned his head to take a glance at the boy sitting next to him. Violet eyes started into a notebook he had over the class's textbook. One hand was holding his head up, black hair falling around to caress his face, while the other clicked away at his pen. He was annoyingly good-looking.

Suzaku kept himself from banging his head into his desk, the clicking getting louder and louder every passing moment.

Next time Gino asked him to go out, he would politely decline. Besides waking up with a horrible hangover the next day, all he could remember was his ex-girlfriend hanging all over some other guy. Ugh.

He sighed again, louder this time. Was this class almost over-

That's when he felt a foot step on his own. He yelped out a "ow, what the hell?" before his eyes darted to the person sitting next to him. The boy, Lelouch, didn't look particularly guilty, but Suzaku knew better. He was a master at hiding his emotions.

Feeling more irritated than usual- the constant clicking of that damn pen not helping- he kicked Lelouch's foot before once again hiding his face in his arms.

He just wanted this class to be over with.

But fate was not on his side, no, not today. The clicking then turned into tapping against the desk.

"_Lelouch_," Suzaku whispered bitterly. He faced the dark-haired boy once again.

"Is there something you need, _Suzaku_?" His features held no smile, but his eyes were twinkling in amusement.

"Stop it," he replied, irritated. He was the only one who could make Suzaku this mad without even trying. Everything about Lelouch sent out warning signals.

"Stop what?" Lelouch looked confused, but his violet eyes said otherwise.

"Never mind," he mumbled in defeat. He was too tired to play games with him. Right now he needed a nap, a nice, long nap. He had work after this class, and after work he had a six page essay due in his English class that he had to work on. Professor Gottwald wasn't exactly the most lenient teacher.

Whose idea was it for Suzaku to sign up for an English class at nine in the morning on a Saturday, anyway?

"Suzaku."

Green orbs looked up. "What?"

"Could you get your arm off of my desk." It was more of a command than an actual question. No surprise there.

"Yeah, sorry." For the first time since the class began, he finally sat up. The blinding light from the window shone on his tanned face, temporarily blinding his vision. There was no way he was going to fall back asleep now. It was as good time as any to start taking notes.

Suzaku reached into his desk for his notebook and a pen, but came up empty on the latter. It dawned on him that he must have left it on his desk back at the dorm.

That only left him with one option.

As if on cue, Lelouch held out a pen between his thin, elegant fingers as if saying "here".

"Thanks," he started to say, but quickly stopped when the pen fell out of Lelouch's hand and onto the ground where it rolled a couple desks away from them.

Suzaku's eyebrow twitched.

"My bad," Lelouch said apologetically.

He didn't look sorry at all. From past experiences, he was surprised Lelouch was even speaking to him at all. His high and mighty attitude only seemed to get worse as the years progressed.

The Lelouch now and the Lelouch from years ago were two completely different people.

Then again, he wasn't the person he use to be either.

Maybe if things happened differently back then, he wouldn't hate Lelouch as much as he did now. Maybe hate was too strong of a word, but it was the only way he could explain the emotions he felt.

Yet hating him wasn't right, because he was the reason those feelings existed in the first place.

He was just covering up for his own mistakes.

Suzaku sighed one last time before his head fell back onto his desk, messy brown locks covering his face. He missed the pair of eyes staring at him intently from the seat next to him.

* * *

Sorry for the shortness, but it's kind of like a prologue. Setting the scene and whatnot. Let me know if you like it!


	2. Stage 2

**A/N**: Thank you so much for the kind reviews: **unheardcries**, **Nunna**, **guest**,** Yuzuki Inohara**, **anon**, and** KurosakiCrystal18**. They made my day! Just to let you guys know, I'm not one for super fast romance stories, so this might go a little slow at first. After I put those two through the wringer a few times, they are going to need some to to recoup...eeep. I'm saying too much!

I haven not had a chance to look over it yet, so please feel free to point out any of my mistakes.

Now here's the next chapter!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Code Geass. Though, I do own the DVDs...

* * *

_I try to make it through my life,_

_but in my way, there's you._

**Semper Memor**

Stage 2

"Hey, Suzaku."

Suzaku rolled his head over and mumbled an incoherent word or two before blissfully falling back into a quiet slumber.

"Suzaku, wake up." A pair of hands lightly shook his shoulders, trying to wake the sleeping boy. But instead of waking him, he got welcomed with a hand in his face shooing him away. The hand promptly returned to its position next to his sleeping friend's head.

"You're not making this easy for me," the voice, which belonged to his roommate Gino Weinberg, sighed. Footsteps could be heard exiting the room, and seconds later, they re-entered. "You can't say I didn't try."

Cold water came crushing down onto Suzaku's head then, his head shooting up, confused yet angry eyes scanning for the culprit. They set on the only person in the room. Gino.

"What was that for?!" Suzaku asked furiously. His once messy brown locks were now sleek straight and dripping. His plain white shirt now clung to his chest, and much to Gino's amusement, showed off his muscles rather nicely.

"Your essay is wet," Gino pointed out as he picked up the piece of paper off the mahogany desk. "You were doing a paper on William Shakespeare's "The Tempest"?"

"My essay!" He took the paper from Gino's grasp only to rip it in half while doing so. Suzaku's eyes widened, his expression unreadable.

Gino let out a small laugh, amused. "Anyway, you should probably get cleaned up. I'm having some people over."

That essay took him hours to finish, and it only took a minute for it to be completely ruined. Why did Mr. Gottwald want them to write the damn thing and not type it? Suzaku briefly rubbed his temples as if trying to ease his pain and irritation away.

"Whose coming over?" Suzaku asked as shook his head, water flying around in every direction. He picked up the half of his essay and squinted his eyes, hoping and praying that some of it was still readable. The ink was already bleeding.

He wanted to go back to sleep.

"Just a few friends from class. You know Kallen Kozuki, right?" Suzaku didn't see the way Gino's eyes lit up as he mentioned the girl.

"Yeah, I think she's in my English class." The thought to blow-dry his essay and tape it back together crossed his mind. Would his teacher accept it like that?

"She's coming over with a few friends of hers."

His essay was no longer legible. His shoulders sunk at the thought of having to re-write it.

"Does she know you're bisexual?" Suzaku glanced up a Gino, attention finally off of his ruined essay.

"Heh. About that..."

"You better tell her, Gino. Remember the last time you kept that hidden?"

"I know, I know." He waved off Suzaku's warning.

"I'm going to go take a shower. Then I think I'm going to that 24 hour convenient store up the street." More notebook paper for that stupid essay. "Do you need anything?"

A smirk formed on Gino's lips.

Suzaku rolled his eyes, but couldn't help from grinning himself. "No, I'm not picking you up any porn."

* * *

Suzaku hated fall.

He pushed his hands into his sweatshirt in a feeble attempt to try and warm his already freezing cold hands. It was getting close to midnight, the temperature dropped considerably compared to earlier in the day. He would had fared the cold better with a jacket.

The convenient store was within sight now. The light-up open sign flickered on and off as he passed by and pulled the door open.

The ring of the door signaling a customer had come went off, and Suzaku gave a quick smile to the cashier who in turn smiled back.

"A Notebook and..." _an energy drink_, he added in his head. Since Gino decided to pour water all over him _and_ his essay, he'd need an energy drink or two to stay up and finish it. He was surprised he wasn't as mad at his roommate as he thought he would be. Then again, with everything that had happened in the past week, he was most likely numb to it.

He spotted a shelf of journals, notebooks, paper, and a row of writing utensils.

Perfect.

His eyes scanned the price tags. He needed something small and cheap; his paycheck being a little less than usual for the week. "Now which one should I get..."

A pair of hands reached out in front of him and grabbed a slim, green notebook. "Here."

Suzaku gazed up, green eyes meeting violet. Oh, he was here. "Thanks, I guess."

"It's the cheapest and has the most paper, that is what you were looking for, right?" Lelouch held out the notebook for Suzaku to grab, no emotions showing on his face, but the know-it-all attitude was still there.

"Right." Suzaku stared at Lelouch's hand for a second, his mind drifting back to the first time he met Lelouch back in high school. It was a similar situation to this one, so similar, in fact, it gave him goosebumps.

He shook his head, dispersing any more thoughts on the subject. He took the notebook and turned to leave, but stopped at the sound of his voice.

"Is this how it's going to be?"

Suzaku whirled around, half expecting to have imagined up the words he just heard. Yet Lelouch still stood there, and for the first time in a long time, Suzaku felt his heart stop and a light blush creep up. After all the years of practically acting disgusted in his presence, here was his old best friend bringing up the one event that tore their friendship apart.

Or what ever it was they had.

After all the time he had to bring it up, why now?

"Lelouch-"

"Suzaku!" A female voice cried out. "What are you doing? I thought you were suppose to be at the party?"

He didn't even need to turn to see who the voice belonged to.

Euphemia li Britannia.

"Euphy," he drawled," is there something you needed?"

She tilted her head to the side, ever so slightly, with a disconcerted expression. "I just came to pick up a couple things." She smiled sweetly, pushing pink strands of hair away from her eyes. "Oh, Lelouch, hello!"

Suzaku stiffened at the sound of his name, and for a moment, almost forget he was there.

"Euphemia," he acknowledged. His voice was friendly enough, his eyes yielding no hint of distaste. But Suzaku knew better, he could see how Lelouch's grip tightened around the water in his hand.

She was half the reason Lelouch disliked Suzaku, and in turn, half the reason Suzaku disliked Lelouch and despised himself. Her bubbly, carefree personality was enough to enrapture anyone. Anyone who had an interest in woman, anyway.

"Are you guys going to Gino's dorm together?" she questioned. She was either oblivious to the problems going on around her, or just preferred to ignore their presence.

Lelouch visibly paled at the inquisition, but it lasted only a moment, his facade back in place as quickly as it had fell. "No, I have to go back home and take care of Nunnally."

She beamed at the mention of Lelouch's sister. "How is she doing? I'd love to come and see her sometime."

"She would like that."

"It was nice to see you, Lelouch. Please, don't be a stranger!" Euphy then wrapped her arm around Suzaku's and snuggled in close, grinning up at him. "Let's go and surprise everyone."

He tried to slip out of her grasp, but couldn't find a way to get away without being rude. He looked over at Lelouch. "Ah, see you later."

Lelouch slightly nodded, his only assurance that he had heard Suzaku.

The walk home was filled with the pink-haired female chatting about old times they had together, mostly of when they were dating. She wasn't hiding the fact that she still had feelings for him, on the contrary, she wanted him to know. But no matter what she said, he wasn't focused on her. His mind was still on Lelouch, on the words he was starting to think he only imagined.

_Is this how it's going to be?_

* * *

He managed to sneak away from Euphy as soon as he got back to the dorm, mentioning the English paper he had to finish. She had pouted, but let him go.

He sighed in relief.

Suzaku was too nice, and still too attached to tell her to go away for good. Every time he looked at her - thought about her - he saw the person he wished he could be. He hated his self-loathing person, the part of him that always wanted and expected the worse. It was his own messed up way of punishing himself for all the wrong he had ever done.

But being with her was a lie. His feelings for her fabricated, weaved into a web of lies he chose to hide himself in.

False, fake, _substitute feelings_.

After being caught with her that day, it was just so easy to go along with the lie. Even if in the end, even if some feelings did come out of it, they still weren't real, and no matter how he wanted them to be, they never could be.

He hated the person he'd become.

That's why he hated Lelouch; he hated him for making him turn into some kind of monster.

But where there was hate, love was never far behind. The two walked hand in hand.

Suzaku sat at the edge of his bed, vacant jade staring off into the darkness outside his window. His hand found its way to the cold glass, his finger drawing lines in the light fog that glazed over the window until the lines disappeared, the fog swallowing it up once again.

Suzaku took in a deep breath and fell back onto his bed. He really didn't want to re-write that paper.

* * *

_It was a mistake._

_He knew he shouldn't of done it; he knew the consequences would be too great. But he wasn't thinking, taken by the moment. _

_And now he was making another mistake._

_He wrapped his arms around the petite, pink-haired girl, pulling her closer to his body. She was warm - so warm - and he couldn't get enough. He pressed his lips against hers again, and to his surprise, she complied and deepened the kiss, hands finding their way to his back._

_This was wrong and he knew it, but the feeling of another body pressed up against his own... it felt so good._

He needed this.

_That's what he kept telling himself. He broke himself free from her grasp and looked into her eyes, searching, searching for something he couldn't quite place._

_But whatever he was searching for, he wan't going to find it. Not in her. _

_As she pulled his lips in for another kiss, all of his other thoughts ceased to exist- they didn't matter anymore. Only three little words played in his mind now._

_He needed this. He needed this._

* * *

Getting to some plot. Sort of. Still not as long as I was hoping, but this seemed like a good place to stop.  
And to answer your question, **KurosakiCrystal18, **this is not a one-shot. :D But yes, when I finally finished Code Geass, I could not stop watching that video! A very complex relationship indeed.  
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it!

Till next time!


	3. Stage 3

**A/N**: Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! They really keep my going. Again, thank you:** KurosakiCrystal18**, **unheardcries**, and **Guest**. This has not been looked over, so please excuse any mistakes.

Just in case you were wondering (because I never bothered to explain) what the title means, I thought I'd share. It's Latin and it means "always remembering", which is a reoccurring theme in this fanfiction and in Lelouch's and Suzaku's relationship in general. Pretty nifty, huh?

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Code Geass.

* * *

_As he begins to raise his voice_

_you lower yours and grant him one last choice:_

_Drive until you lose the road,_

_or break with the ones you've followed..._

**Semper Memor**

Stage 3

_He had been betrayed._

_He had stopped running somewhere between the dorms and the football field. A green expanse lay before him, a few trees and shrubbery particularly placed around the area. A peaceful night, so unlike his mind. But his mind was far from thinking straight, from thinking literally. _

_His fingers curled to form a fist at his side, his nails digging into his skin, hard enough to probably pierce it. But he didn't care, none of it mattered. _

_He would be damned if he let anyone that close to him again. _

_What a fool he had been._

_Black hair was pushed from his eyes, dull purple scanned the inky, clouded skies. _

_A small, almost inaudible laugh shook him._

_What a fool._

* * *

Suzaku had the day off. Normally his days off were spent getting pestered by Gino or one of his many friends, but Suzaku was in a particularly good mood, so he got up early and had his morning run. By the time he got back to the dorm, said roommate was no where to be found. It was a rare time, so making sure not to waste it, he took a quick shower and a small nap, which then led him to what he was doing now.

Currently, he was doing homework in the library.

He knew this tranquility wouldn't last - Gino was bound to run through the door at any moment - so he took off to study and catch up on homework.

Though yesterdays events weren't far from his thoughts, he did his best to push them away, if only for a few hours.

"Suzaku."

But alas, it would seem the world had other ideas.

Suzaku glanced up briefly to see green hair accompanied with piercing gold eyes that, to his displeasure, were staring straight at him.

C.C.

"Uh... hi," he managed to choke out, unable to hide the surprise in his voice. Since that incident back in high school, C.C. didn't chat with Suzaku as much as she use to.

Whether she noticed it or not, he couldn't tell. Her expression was one of boredom. She took the seat next to him and held her head in her palm, apple green hair falling to to the table. "Entertain me."

He wasn't quite sure how to answer that. "Well... where's Lelouch? I'm sure he would be more suited to-"

"No. He's boring." She twirled a strand of her hair around her finger. "He's been glued to his computer all day and he won't even look at me."

Was it because of yesterday? No, Suzaku knew better than to think Lelouch was so much as bothered by their meeting. Besides small talk here and there, it's been years since they had a real conversation.

C.C. probably ordered another pizza using his credit card or something.

"What did you do this time?" He didn't want to even ask, but it was already too late to go back to studying. She opened up Pandora's box when she mentioned _his_ name.

Her eyes brightened up at his question, and Suzaku was right to assume C.C. did something to make him mad. Back when they were in high school she was always doing something to irritate the black haired youth. Most of the time it was on purpose, she had a fascination for making him frantic with ire.

"Nothing really. He asked me to wash his white button-up shirt, and conveniently for me I was about to re-dye my blue jeans, so I threw them in together. When I returned them to him he threw a fit and kicked me out of his dorm." There was no regret in her voice, and he truly believed she didn't feel the least bit guilty for doing it.

She probably did it on purpose.

"I'm sorry to hear that...?" he said cautiously, though it came out more like a question. "Maybe you should go and apologize, then I'm sure he'd let you back in-"

"No," she cut him off," he's moody today, like a woman on her period."

Suzaku raised an eyebrow at that comment, but refrained from saying anything. Though, if he remembered correctly, every couple months Lelouch would be more irritable than usual and would snap at anyone and everyone.

_No._

He closed his eyes tight and took a deep breath, moments later exhaling and relaxing himself. He had to get out of here. C.C. was not helping his plan to forget about yesterday, no, instead she was making it worse.

"Something's wrong," she said bluntly. It was then a smirk graced her lips, eyes widening slightly. "I do remember Lelouch muttering your name when he walked through the door yesterday... _Ah-ha_." As if she just realized something important, she shot up from her chair, the smirk on her lips only growing.

"Is everything okay?" Suzaku found himself asking, curiosity getting the better of him.

"It's nothing you need to worry about."

He had a good feeling she was lying to him.

"See you later, _Kururugi Suzaku_."

And just like that, she was gone.

It was obvious he wasn't going to get any more homework done, his good mood diminished and his thoughts full of things he rather forget.

It was back to the dorm for him, where a glass of water and some Tylenol would be waiting for him.

* * *

_It was a quiet day._

_Classes had let out early, and Lelouch never showed up for any of his morning classes. It was unusual for the black haired boy, because even if he didn't want to go, he had said "As long as you're there, I'll show up no matter what", and to Suzaku's disbelief, he had kept that promise. That didn't stop him from sleeping in class, however. But it was enough to have him there in the seat next to Suzaku, head dipping to the side as he silently slept._

_It was like a little treat to see that side of his boyfriend, his sleeping face peaceful and not marred by the wrinkles that normally adorned his features as he thought too hard about something, his mind always over analyzing._

_He could be sick, but Lelouch wasn't one to catch colds._

_Suzaku thought about sending him a quick text, and in the end figured it would be better to visit him himself. _

_Just as he was about to leave, backpack slung over his shoulder, his spring jacket tightly knit under his arm - a hand stopped him._

_He turned to see the new transfer student, Euphemia li Britannia, smiling up at him._

* * *

Shirley had stopped him as he made his way back to the dorm, asking for help to carry a few things up to her room. Suzaku was about to politely decline when her roommate, Milly Ashford, insisted he be a gentleman. Being unable to say no, he spent the afternoon lugging furniture and boxes up a flight of stairs. But it didn't end there, he also got talked into moving everything around in their room.

Hours later he finally escaped, mentioning something important he had to. He wasn't lying, not really. After all that physical labor, he was feeling a little bit tired and hungry.

Today was a pizza day. Delivery.

He trudged up the stairs, his legs a lot more sore than he imagined them to be. With his dorm in sight, he found a little spurt of energy to continue on.

He fumbled with the key, and sighed in relief when he finally heard the door click. Suzaku pushed the door open only to see Gino, C.C. and Lelouch hovered around the table talking and eating pizza (he couldn't help but take a few extra seconds to stare at the food), the noise of the TV blared throughout the small room.

Three heads flicked up to stare at him as he walked through the door.

Green eyes started down Lelouch, who quickly looked away and focused his attention on the TV.

C.C. gave a quick wave, a knowing smirk playing across her features.

Gino, being oblivious to the tension, started to ramble off," Suzaku, welcome back. We have company and as you can see," his hands motioned to the pizza," ordered a little food. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, thanks," he said. He set his things down before taking a piece of pizza. "When did you guys get here?"

Suzaku still couldn't wrap his mind around why they were currently at his dorm. But then he thought back to earlier events, and trying his best not to look down the culprit, he knew exactly whose idea it was.

"An hour ago," C.C. replied. "Right, Lelouch?"

He merely mumbled an answer Suzaku couldn't quite hear, his vision still set on anywhere but him.

Suzaku took a bite of his pizza, watching as Gino rambled on about someone to C.C. who could only smile in return.

Lelouch looked out of it. Not like he could blame him, this was the first time he stepped into his dorm since the welcome party a couple years back, and even back then he was forced to come by C.C..

He finished his pizza and stood up, purposely avoiding violet eyes as he went to his room to change.

Suzaku would wait for the right moment to talk to Lelouch. He had to ask him about yesterday, about what he meant. He also wanted to apologize, to tell him things he should of confessed to back in high school. Maybe, just maybe they could go back to how things use to be. Like old times.

He took his shirt off and changed into a loose white t-shirt and shorts. The mirror to his side caught his attention, messy brown locks stood up in all directions.

"Stay down," he groaned as he ran a hand through his unmanageable hair. The attempt was futile, his hair just as stubborn as always.

"Suzaku," a voice echoed from behind him.

He whirled around to see Lelouch standing in his doorway.

As usual, his emotions buried behind his stoic face.

"What's up...?" Suzaku asked, even though a hundred other questions popped into his head at that exact moment. He had to keep it simple, at least until he could get his thoughts straight. They were always jumbled when Lelouch was around and he could never find the right words.

"Do you have a minute?"

The sound of Gino and C.C.'s voice could be heard all the way in his room. Even though they were far from alone, it felt like the others were miles and miles away. "Yeah."

Lelouch walked in, but stopped a few feet away, head turned towards the window.

Unable to handle the silence, Suzaku blurted out," I'm so sorry, Lelouch." He swallowed. "About everything."

"Suzaku, wait-"

"No." Jade eyes focused on Lelouch. "I need to say this. _Please_."

His friend hesitated, but nodded in confirmation.

"Lelouch, I didn't mean for any of that to happen back then. It was all a stupid mistake on my part, you can blame it all on me, but please," he started towards Lelouch, making the boy step back subconsciously," after seeing you yesterday, and after what you said, I just can't-"

Suzaku had Lelouch up against the wall now, one arm on the wall behind him, the other balled into a fist at his side. "What did you mean yesterday?"

"I forgive you," he said.

"What?" Suzaku was not expecting to hear that. Everything that had perspired between them was his fault; he was willing to suffer the consequences as he had for the past few years. He should be relieved at hearing those words, but something told him there was more to it.

"_I said_ I forgive you," he said again, slight irritation entering his voice. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"Doesn't matter?" he repeated. His hand started to shake against the wall. "Lelouch, I cheated on you, I broke our promise, and not to mention it was with your half-sister-"

"I don't care!" he yelled, the emotions on his face betraying his words. He was getting frustrated, and it took a lot for Lelouch to get so upset. Suzaku couldn't grasp why. "It's been four years, Suzaku."

"I know, but I can't forget about you or that day. Every time I see you..." His face inched closer to his ex-boyfriend's. "I don't know what to do anymore. I made a mistake. I've been wanting to talk to you about this for so long."

"So that's why you decided to fraternize with my half-sister?" His eyes narrowed, each word stung more as they rolled off of his lips.

"Lelouch..." Suzaku's free hand reached up to cup Lelouch's cheek, eyes searching his face for confirmation, but he only saw confusion etched there as his hand was pushed down.

"You need to move on." He placed his hand over Suzaku's, for comfort or out of an old habit, he wasn't sure.

"Why?" was the only word he could utter. He looked down at his hand, the warmth from Lelouch's distracting him from their conversation. It felt warm and familiar.

"I'm dating Rolo." His voice was strained, but as Suzaku glanced up, none of it showed on his face.

For a moment time seemed to stop.

How did the conversation come to this? Those words from yesterday seemed as if Lelouch wanted to make up, to try again.

He could feel his heart thumping rapidly against his chest, his body numb to the pain of the realization.

It all made sense now. His willingness to be dragged to his dorm, yesterday, their conversations becoming more and more frequent the past few weeks. Everything was all for this, wasn't it?

For closure? For revenge?

Even if that was it, why, why did Lelouch look so sad?

* * *

_Why, why does fate make us suffer?_

_There's a curse between us, between me and you._


	4. Stage 4

**A/N**: Thank you so much for the reviews, favorites, and follows. I haven't had much free time lately, so I'm sorry for not being able to reply to them properly. But I do appreciate every single one of them. (: I haven't had a chance to look over this, so please point out any mistakes.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Code Geass.

* * *

_And this story's mine, and this moment's mine._

_Can I steal your pain and shed it away?_

_To amend this pain, to avoid this pain,_

_can I share this pain and keep away?_

**Semper Memor**

Stage 4

Realization.

It was something Suzaku had yet to familiarize himself with. He was more opt to obliviousness.

It had been a couple weeks since he had that talk with Lelouch. It was constantly on his mind and it had yet to fully register. It was as if he was keeping himself from accepting the truth, and instead living behind this happy facade that everything was perfect.

He caught one of the books from falling out of the pile he had in his arms and clutched them closer to his chest. He was a lot clumsier than usual, and he decided to blame that on his less-than-amazing mood, along with sleepless nights and the pile of homework he had yet to touch. To anyone else he probably seemed normal, even if that was far from the truth.

He sighed.

"Suzaku, hey!" a voice yelled over to him.

Suzaku turned his head to see Shirley and Gino coming his way. It was only when they reached him that he noticed the cat snuggled in Shirley's arms.

"Whose cat?" he asked. He inspected the cat closer and found no collar around it's neck. "A stray?"

Shirley nodded. "Yeah, can you believe it?" She pet the cat on the head and smiled as it purred at her touch. "He's super friendly too. Here, why don't you pet him?"

"I'm not good with animals," Suzaku said as he shook his head. The black feline looked innocent enough, but Suzaku didn't have the best past when it came to animals. Especially cats. Lelouch popped into his head if only for a moment, a memory of days past flashing through.

She pushed the cat into his arms, forcing Suzaku to set his books down. "Here. You two need to bond, he's going to be your new dorm partner after all!"

Suzaku looked at her quizzically, but had no time to reply as he felt a sharp pain on his finger. "Ow!" The cat had bit his finger and innocently stared up at him, but seemed as if it had no intention of letting go.

"Are you okay?!" She quickly pulled the cat out of his grasp, Suzaku wincing as the cat let go. "Do you need to get that checked out?"

"No, I'm fine..." A little blood was coming out of the small wound on his fingers, but it was nothing a band-aid couldn't take care of.

"Are you sure?" She sounded unsure, but waved it off when Suzaku shook his head.

"This little guy has some fight in him," said Gino. He pat the cat on the head. "Isn't that right, Arthur?"

"Arthur?" Suzaku was surprised at the name. It was so...plain.

"Yeah, you know, like King Arthur?"

"Uhm, I'm not really sure where you're going with this, Gino."

The blonde haired boy was about to reply when Shirley cut him off. "Don't forget to take good care of Arthur, okay guys?" It was then that her eyes lit up in excitement. "We should have a party to celebrate your new roommate!"

"Now you're starting to sound like Milly," said Gino.

Shirley handed off Arthur to the blonde. "You really think so?"

Suzaku could only stare at the cat nestled in Gino's arms. He could barely take care of himself, let alone anyone else. He definitely didn't have the money for it, but since it was Gino's idea, he assumed the blonde would be excited to have an animal at the dorm and help pay for it. He once told Suzaku he wasn't aloud to have pets back home.

"Anyway, let's head back, Suzaku."

"Huh... yeah."

"Are you feeling alright?" Gino sounded concerned.

Suzaku kept his eyes on the path in front of him. "I'm fine."

It was then that Gino stopped walking. "You can't fool me, buddy. You've been down in the dumps for weeks. You may be able to fool everyone else, but you can't fool your best bud." He wrapped his free arm around Suzaku's shoulders, as usual ignoring people's personal spaces. Suzaku had gotten use to it.

"It's nothing," he said, and it sounded like he was trying to reassure himself. This was the last subject he wanted brought up. Cats only reminded him of an event that happened in his past, with a person he tried to keep out of his mind. He was failing miserably.

He looked at his watch, a silver Rolex Lelouch had gotten him for his birthday back in high school. It gave him a lot of fond memories, and he couldn't find it in himself to get rid of it.

Afternoon was turning into evening as his watch struck one o'clock.

"Huh? It's that late already?!" Gino let go of Suzaku in a rush. "I promised Kallen I'd meet her for lunch, crap! Can you take this cat back with you?" Without waiting for an answer he shoved Arthur into his arms. "Thanks, you're the best! I'll see you later!"

Suzaku looked at Arthur who perked up his ears and watched as Gino ran off.

"I guess it's just you and me."

The cat let out a little meow.

* * *

_Suzaku couldn't help but stare at Lelouch in utter surprise. "A cat?" It was rare for his significant other to take a second glance at a person, let alone an animal._

_Lelouch merely blushed as he held the cat out for Suzaku to hold. "He didn't have a home, and they were going to put him down."_

_He was reluctant to take the cat, and probably would have denied even taking it in at all if it wasn't for Lelouch's tinted red cheeks and lopsided smile. He looked genuinely happy to have that cat around, which made it that much harder to deny him of it._

_"He is cute," Suzaku pointed out, a tender expression appearing on his face._

_Lelouch beamed at the words, but quickly covered it up with a cough and the words," Yeah, I guess."_

* * *

It was sometime after four and the bookstore was practically empty save the few who were sitting down on one of the few chairs to read.

Suzaku took in the peace and quiet with open arms; it was a welcome change considering that just an hour before the store was crawling with people.

Relishing the few minutes he had to himself he sat down on a nearby chair and picked up the book he was previously reading. It was about a boy confessing his love to the girl he cheated on. Supposedly he was getting with a guy on the side, his one true love from middle school, yet he couldn't forget about her and came back to win her over once again, but ends up turning him down for a girl she fell in love with while they were apart. It was cliche and horribly written, but for some reason he couldn't put it down.

"If you switch the role around, it kind of sounds like..."

"Kururugi, reading erotica novels again I see." Villetta Nu, his manager, snuck up behind him and grabbed the book from his grasp.

Suzaku looked horrified. "M-manager, please give that back!"

"Are you trying to tell me something, Kururugi?"

He turned his head to the side as if to hide his embarrassment. "No, Miss Villetta."

She covered her mouth and coughed. "Anyway, I'd like for you to meet our newest addition to the family," she rolled her eyes at the word," Rolo. He's going to be starting here today, so I'd like you to show him the ropes."

From behind her appeared a brown haired boy. He nodded shyly. "Please take care of me."

Suzaku tried to hide the obvious surprise on his face at seeing _him_ of all people. It was almost as if he was in a drama TV show. The thought to repeatedly bang his head against the wall sounded promising.

"Now if you'll excuse me," Villetta said as she headed back to her office.

What exactly did she expect him to do? He was not prepared for this.

Did Rolo know what happened between him and Lelouch a couple weeks ago? By the look on his face, Suzaku guessed not. He stood there with a shy smile.

What the hell. He couldn't do this. This boy in front of him had everything he wished he had; just looking at him reminded him of what he had lost. Just knowing he was cuddling up to Lelouch made him sick.

"I think I'm going to be sick," he said under his breath.

"Are you alright?" Rolo asked. He looked concerned, brows knitted tightly together in worry.

He would not accept any pity from him.

"No, I'm fine." He ran a hand through messy brown hair. "Let's start with showing you the register."

* * *

_Class was over for the day. Suzaku had yet to make any plans, and his mind drifted to Lelouch, a small smile taking place at just the thought of the boy. No matter how horrible his day was, he knew he could always look forward to seeing that one person._

_"Suzaku," a female voice whispered from behind him as his vision suddenly became black. "Guess who?"_

_He reached his hands up and placed them on hers. "Euphy, c'mon." He gently removed them from his face and turned to face her. For the past few weeks she made it a point to see him almost every day after class. Though he didn't really mind, she was a nice girl after all, but today was different. His boyfriend had been on his mind all day, and all he wanted was to spend the day with him._

_She was pouting, her frown dramatically bigger than normal. "But I had something really exciting to show you today."_

_Something to show him? "I don't remember you mentioning this before."_

_She huffed and put her hands on her hips, eyes shinning with excitement as she continued. "I talked to you about it last week. Did you really forget already?"_

_"Well..." He rubbed the back of his head nervously. _

_"Don't "well" me, Suzaku! You can't back out on your promise."_

_"I know, I know, but-"_

_"It's not like you had any plans today, right?" She looped her arm through his and glanced up at him, the smile never fading from her all-too innocent face. It was hard to say no to someone as outgoing like her. She was the type of person that swept you along in her own current._

_"Not really, no." He couldn't tell her he planned to hangout with Lelouch, let alone mention they were dating. It was something they agreed to keep a secret knowing it would cause too many problems if let out into the open. _

_Her head dipped back as she winked at him playfully. "Pleeease?"_

_As Suzaku sat there contemplating, his mind to focused on the situation in front of him, he never noticed Lelouch staring at him from afar, eyes glazed over._

_Lelouch knew what was happening before it even began. He knew how difficult it was to date a guy and how strenuous it was on the mind to keep it hidden. It was normal for people to want to show off their lover and openly show affection. _

_Being in a gay relationship wasn't easy, he knew that and excepted it, but Suzaku was just curious, he wasn't really in love with him._

_It was only a matter of time. _

_Even if Suzaku didn't realize it yet, he was slowly being taken by Euphemia. The only person he couldn't win against._

_It hurt, it hurt more than he imagined it would. He was prepared from the start to let him go when the time arrived, but maybe not as prepared as he thought._

_His chest hurt, it hurt s bad. But he wouldn't let it show, no, he would endure and act like nothing was going on because it was all he could do._

_Suzaku ruffled her hair and grinned. "Fine, you win."_

_He figured if he hung out with her today she'd leave him alone for a while, and it wasn't like he actually had plans with Lelouch. He felt a pang of sadness, but instantly forgot about it as Euphy pulled him along._

_The cogs of fate slowly began to turn._


End file.
